Childhood
I was born in the 1940s, but can’t recall much from those years. When I was growing up in the 1950s it was normal for schools to have Christian prayers in the morning. That took me to 1962, after which I never went to church. During my schooldays we would quite often go as a family to the local Anglican church, St John’s Wood Church in northwest London.
I can’t claim to have had any deep thoughts about God or Jesus Christ at that time. Thinking back, I did completely accept the existence of God. That is what I was taught. I certainly didn’t understand the role of Jesus Christ, other than as a teacher. There were Scripture lessons at school but they were mainly about reading parables and learning passages by heart. All using the King James version of the Bible. I still remember odd passages from over 60 years ago.
In retrospect, I believe that early introduction to God was a very good thing. I am sure it left me more open to my later, stronger belief. I think it a pity that so many children are not getting such a good grounding these days.
Adulthood
After school I hardly thought of God. A couple of graduate students I knew did witness to me about Jesus Christ but I was certainly not receptive. I married a few years after University in Marylebone Register Office because neither my wife nor I were churchgoers at the time.
I forget exactly the year, but I think it must have been in the mid-1980s, when my wife had the idea that we and our two sons should go to our local church, which happened to be a Methodist church. It was there that I first truly believed in God and our Saviour, Jesus Christ and was baptised. One notable thing was that I instantly quit smoking and drinking. I became active in the church and was part of the building committee when God called us to expand.
Then I stupidly let it all fall apart in the mid-1990s. Our marriage broke up and I was largely responsible and I moved away and I forgot God. I did try going to a church once, a year or two later, but felt really uncomfortable and didn’t go back.
10 Years Later
Roll on about 10 years. My philosopher brother left behind a copy of “Why I Am Not a Christian” by Bertrand Russell. So I thought I would try reading it. I found it boring and unconvincing. Maybe about 8 years ago I bought a used copy of my brother’s book on Free Will and somehow was hearing discussion on Creation v. Evolution v. Intelligent Design. I came to the conclusion that if there was no God and it all happened by chance, then there would be no such thing as free will. I reasoned that we would merely choose the way our genes and upbringing dictated. Certainly there are choices, but freedom to choose does not mean freedom of will, which requires independence from all a person’s previous experience. Without free will, choices would be preordained by the way our brain functioned at the time. That is probably not explained well, but that is why I don’t think we can have free will unless God gives it to us. What is clear is that we do not always use free will. Some reactions are purely instinctive.
In 2019, I borrowed a copy of “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. It was so bad and his arguments so weak that if anything it firmed up my belief in the being of God. One of the big mistakes Dawkins made was thinking that the proliferation of religions, and their foibles, were evidence that God doesn’t exist. Rather they are evidence of human fallibility and the attempt of earlier humans to make sense of the world around them. Anyway, I ended up with an intellectual belief in the existence of God, but it didn’t impact me in any spiritual or emotional way.
I See The Light
Then towards the end of 2020 I felt irresistibly drawn to God. I can’t explain it any other way: I can only say that the feeling dominated my life. The only Bible in the house was a copy of the King James Bible – the sort with very thin gold-edged pages, the sort you don’t read. Somewhere I had a copy of the Phillips translation of the New Testament but couldn’t find it at the time, so I ordered another copy.
When it came, I started to read it avidly, starting with the Acts of the Apostles. It came alive like it never had for me before. I would read some almost every night. And I believed completely in the reality of God and his Son, our Saviour, Jesus Christ. I can only put this down to the working of the Holy Spirit because it was so intense and not at all like my previous experience of Christianity.
And what was miraculous was that this was just a few months before I was told I had a brain tumour in March 2021. I praise God for that. Such a diagnosis is much easier to bear if you feel His love and peace. And it is comforting to know that I won’t suffer more than I can bear.
Going to Church
I hungered for the company of Christians, but I didn’t know any and churches were closed. So I read the bible and prayed. In 2022 when they were properly open, I looked for a church. I did an Internet search for a “church near me”, the nearest being Christ Church in Brownsover.
Christ Church was less than half a mile away, so I could walk there. I had to surrender my driving licence because of the brain tumour, so needed somewhere close. That was in late January and I checked their website which said the next service was “Benefice Praise”. I didn’t know what that meant, so I decided to give it a miss. Then the next week it was Holy Communion and I decided I wasn’t ready for that (though I now know it is really easy to sit out that part of the service).
I first went on the second Sunday of February 2022. It’s actually a bit scary going into a church alone and for the first time in very many years, especially a modern church where you don’t know what to expect. In a traditional church, you can inconspicuously sit at the back. However I instantly received a friendly greeting and introduction, and later members of the congregation introduced themselves. I felt right at home. Altogether a joyful experience and I continue to attend that church.
What I am beginning to realise, that I did not realise before, is how growing in faith is very much a continuing process. For updates, please read my Blog. What I shall try to do is record moments in my faith that are meaningful to me and I hope to my readers. I am very happy to join in discussion through comments because we can all learn from each other.